Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
