Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I showed him my bush... on skype.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
