I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
