i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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