I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
