Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
