I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
