my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
