I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i love accidental penises.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
