A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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