I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
