You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize