Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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