between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
