i already hear my dad disowning me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Boobs speak an international language.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
