Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
