god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
