Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
