the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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