So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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