I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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