Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
