she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize