So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
