i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
