Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
