They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
