R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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