i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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