Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
