just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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