OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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