it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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