i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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