the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
