my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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