video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
