Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
