I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
