Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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