he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
