Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
