I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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