I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
