I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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