Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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