I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
