sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
