Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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