wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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