I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
