There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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