i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
