before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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