quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
