please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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