How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
