phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
