I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize