I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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